What a year it has been, I've had my most joyous moments, and also have experience the most grueling moments of my life.
1 year ago today, we transferred 1embryo. I knew that this baby would be in my arms in 9 months. I didn't even doubt it. We did an egg retrieval on October 23rd, and this was one of those frosties ( as I like to call them). I had eaten a clean diet that was dairy and wheat free for 6 weeks. Had hardly any alcohol for months, I was ready to go. I had prepped my body with weekly acupuncture and even fertility massages.
Everything went smoothly, and I waited impatiently for days until I could take a test.
On December 13th, I took a test, 5dpt ( 5 days post transfer) and got a positive line! This was very early, so I felt confident that I had a strong implantation. Everyday the line was stronger, and I waited until December 18th to get my official result at the doctor's office. My beta was 112! I was hoping for somewhat higher, but 112 was a strong number. What really matters the most is that it doubles in 24 hours.
So we went back 3 days later, and the number was 351..more than doubled!
On Christmas Eve, we announced to our families that we were pregnant. In the back of my mind it felt so early, and we were a little uncomfortable sharing before a heartbeat, but we only told our immediate families, and swore them to secrecy. My sister in law also announced that she was pregnant- only 3 weeks apart! My heart filled with joy, and my first thoughts were that now this all made sense. Everything was delayed in the way that it was, because we were meant to have babies together just weeks apart.
That joy for me, didn't last long. In just a day or two, I started feeling major anxiety about my pregnancy. Because we had gone home, we weren't able to do the 3rd beta ( blood) test to confirm that numbers were still rising. So we would be doing it about a week after the 2nd, and normally they are done about 48 hours later. If they numbers aren't rising, there's really nothing that can be done, you just simply know that it might not be a viable pregnancy.
I guess it's just intuition, but I knew deep down in my heart, that something just wasn't right. I had no reason to believe that, my numbers were beautiful so far. It was just a mother's gut feeling I suppose. I became irritable to my family ( probably also because of the high dose of hormones that I was one), but I was just ready to get back to Chicago and find out my beta numbers.
When we got back to Chicago I had my 3rd beta test, which was 8 days after our 2nd test. The nurse called me and said that my numbers looked great at 1300. My mind wasn't working quite right, but I hung up the phone and my heart sunk. I knew that it wasn't a good number. I called back after doing some math, realizing that my number should be much higher, and she did realize that it had been 8 days since my last test, not the typical 48 hours, so in fact the number wasn't so good. The doctor told me to be "cautiously optimistic" and come back in 2 days.
We went back on January 5th ( 5 days before my birthday) and it was confirmed, I had a blighted ovum. It means that the embryo implanted, but didn't progress or develop. Usually it means that there was an abnormality with the embryo. It's the cause of most early miscarriages.
My heart sank looking at the empty sac. I still have visions of that screen, seeing it before they even told me. My husband held my hand, we both kept a strong face, and after the nurse left I got dressed and we walked out. We were both expecting it, but of course you always hope for a little miracle. I was just numb, and ready to move on. The miscarriage started the next day, I got my tears out over the next few days, but it was the worst birthday of my life.
Throughout all of the sadness and heartache, I still felt lucky. I felt sorry for myself, but still hopeful because 1- I was able to get pregnant, and 2- I had more frozen embryos to try again. Not everyone is that lucky, and I chose to feel grateful through my heartache.
I will never forget the feeling of finally being pregnant at Christmas, or the feeling of my first positive pregnancy test. I'll always remember the sweet flowers that my husband bought for me the date of my home test, and the dinner we went to afterward our first beta to celebrate.
A snowflake ornament hangs on my tree this year for my 1st "frostie" that didn't make it.