Lately whenever I go shopping at somewhere with baby stuff, I get very teary eyed. Today, it was a Hobby Lobby. I went specifically to find nautical decor for our baby boy's nursery.
I walked in, and turned down the Christmas aisle. Instantly, my eyes welled up with tears.Tears of overwhelming joy, knowing that this Christmas, my prayers will finally be answered. Even years before I was married to my husband, this is something that I've longed for around the holidays.
Last Christmas, I did experience joy, and Christmas was a happy time. I had a frozen embryo transfer on December 8th, and announced to our immediate family that I was pregnant on Christmas. Although I did experience happiness, I was very nervous and just had an uneasy feeling. Sure enough, my gut feeling was right, and I had a miscarriage on January 5th, 5 days before my 32nd birthday. It was my worst birthday ever, as I had lost everything that I'd ever wanted.
I'm one of the lucky ones though, and had a successful frozen embryo transfer on March 30th, and am now 30 weeks pregnant with a sweet baby boy. Guess when he's due? December 17th. I cry, just thinking about how grateful I am very this very special gift. When I walk through aisles a the store, I almost want to pinch myself, and I can't believe that this is real life, my life. I am about to have a little family with my husband, who I truly adore and love more each day because we made this sweet blessing together.
But as I walk through the store, feeling overwhelmingly grateful, my heart still aches. It aches deeeply for other women who are about to be going through another set of holidays without their biggest wish. It's just not fair for a woman to go through such a deep sense of loss and longing for something that is at the core of our being. There's no ache in your soul that compares to the one you feel with infertility or miscarriages.
As I'm writing this, a little white butterfly just flew outside my window. I see this butterfly from time to time, usually on special occasions ( like my baby shower) or when I've been feeling extra emotional or sentimental about my pregnancy. I know that this butterfly is my baby, and it brings me so much comfort. I sometimes see two flying together and know that the other is my second embryo from my current pregnancy, that I believe implanted but didn't continue to grow.
Never ever give up on your dreams of being a mother. Although I wish that I never had to go through the storm of infertility- it has made me a stronger and better person.