Before he actually gave me present, I was feeling so silly on Saturday for even talking about my "First Mother's Day" to him. I started to actually feel numb about the whole day. Why? It's hard to describe why, but there's something that infertility does to you that creates this numbness at times that should be otherwise be happy.
I know that I'm not alone in this feeling, as on Instagram, I saw post after post from other women feeling the same way. Regardless of whether they had just become pregnant, or even if they had a baby or older- I saw the same posts over and over.
When you become pregnant after infertility, you can be so very afraid to celebrate it. It just doesn't seem real that you are finally pregnant, or finally a mother after wishing for it for so long.
-You keep thinking that somehow, someway- this is going to be taken away from you
- You hurt, very deeply
, for the others that are still struggling. You almost feel like you are leaving them behind or alone when you move on with your joy. Infertility is such a dark place, and tears are streaming down my cheeks as I write this, just thinking about all of the women who are so desperately yearning to be a mother.
- You feel sometimes like you don't completely relate to the moms who became pregnant at the flip of a switch. Even though I'm grateful for my journey that brought me to motherhood, deep down I am envious of others who didn't have to go through so much heartache to compete their journey. It feels completely unfair to me that anyone should have to struggle so much to become a mother- and to top that off, I am heartbroken that some can't have a baby, simply because they can't afford all of the bills. ( This is a whole other topic that I will dive into on another day)
- On Mother's Day, I did allow myself to feel some joy. I went on my first little run, and joyfully watched all of the mom's with babies- trying to judge their age and wondered how big my little one would be next time. I daydreamed a lot and tried to soak in the joy and belief that I was finally going to be a mom.
- My sweetest friend, who I've known my whole life, and knows my journey sent me this text, and it wasn't until then that I let myself really feel my emotions:
"Happy Mother's Day Sarah! You have sacrificed so much for this baby that's growing inside of you. Can't wait to watch it grow."
I've never thought of it as "sacrifice" before. But the truth is, I have sacrificed more than anyone could ever know to one day hold this baby in my arms. I'm no more special than anyone going through infertility- but when you go through a process like IVF, you make sacrifices daily and don't think twice because it's all worth it in the end.