Waiting for HCG to drop.

Sitting here at the fertility clinic on Martin Luther King Day is a site to see. I've been here dozens of times, but have never seen it quite like this. Every seat is filled with couples, they are even lining the walls.

Probably they are here to fill their New Years resolutions to become pregnant. That's why we're all here, right?

It feels torturous for me to be here- I really don't want to be here. But here I am, getting bloodwork to see if my HCG has gone back down to zero. 

I'll be honest, I've had a wide range of emotions this past week after finding out on January 5th, that we had a blighted ovum and miscarriage on our first IVF attempt.

Some moments I feel positive and hopeful, other moments I just want to crawl in my bed and not get out. I truly believe with all of my heart that our next attempt will work. But it seems to unfair to wait, and I put sooo much into our first attempt. Our actual transfer was pushed back until December because of my hormones. We did our egg retrieval in October. I had been prepping my body, and going to appointment and acupuncture since July. 

My heart really is broken. I smile, it's not like I'm depressed all of the time- I have a lot to be grateful for. But- I truly am heartbroken and inside, I'm  saddest I've ever been. 

I just want my turn, to fulfill my dream of motherhood.